Failure & Hope
By: Katie (Chisox-pods22 on LJ)
Pairing: Jack/Kate, mentions of Sawyer/Kate and Jack/Juliet
Length: Two Drabble-y One-Shots
Timeframe: Sometime after 3x16… although vaguely ignoring the fact that Juliet is you-know-what.
Warning: Hmm, (j)angst. Good for the (jater) soul.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Lost; I’m just borrowing the characters (and using them for my Jate-y purposes)!
A/N: Two short pieces that are kind of related. I tried to write them similarly just from the different points-of-view. Not the best thing I’ve ever written, but whatever. =]
Sometimes Kate wishes she hadn’t slept with Sawyer. It’s the worst when she sees Jack alone with Juliet and envies the relationship that has developed between them; when she can feel Jack staring at her when he thinks she’s not looking; when she turns to catch his gaze, trying to somehow let him know how much she misses him and wishes that they could start over; when his brown eyes pierce hers for less than a second before he turns away – turns back to Juliet and his new life that doesn’t include her; when Sawyer is still an ass to her – that never changed. She’s growing used to it; he’s so much like a lot of the men she’s been with before. But there’s nothing she can do about it now. Nothing but think about how things could’ve been had she never gone into Sawyer’s cage. Nothing she can do to make Jack see that by ignoring her, he’s hurting her as much as she had hurt him.
She’s always been a slave to her past, though. She’s failed Tom and Kevin and her mom and Jack and herself. She hates it, but she’s heard so many people say it before: “Kate Austen is a failure.” As much as she wants Jack, she knows she isn’t good enough for him. She knows she would ultimately hurt him again, and he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve her. But she wants him so badly anyways. She loves him. She cares about him and everyday wishes that he cared about her as well. So now, as she finds herself in Sawyer’s arms once again, Kate is regretfully starting to accept that failure is her past, present, and future.
Jack wishes Kate had never slept with Sawyer. The memory of it haunts him, actually. Every time he sees her, he’s reminded of the first moment after he saw them together on the TV monitor. He can still feel the stab of disbelief and disappointment. He can still feel his heart breaking in two. He tries his best to ignore these feelings and move on. However, it’s difficult for Jack to have to be silent around her. It’s hard for him to act coldly towards her – though he always does. It’s his defense mechanism. Hers is running; his is pushing away. He sometimes wishes she knew that he would trade all his time with Juliet for just one night with her – the way things used to be. He wishes he could forgive her because he knows that she’s sorry. He just can’t put himself out there again; he’ll do anything to avoid the pain.
So, Jack is slowing trying to let Kate go. Smiles, laughter, and even friendly exchange between them have become scarce. He thinks that what he’s doing is best for both of them. He knows, too, that there is a love there that will never be fully oppressed. Maybe one day, they could move past their defense mechanisms. Maybe they could break through the invisible walls that they’ve built. It isn’t very likely, but Jack keeps a tiny bit of hope in the prospect of that day.
A/N2: Good? Horrible? Okay? Let me know! Comments and CC are greatly appreciated.
x-posted tojackandkate, jackkatefans, and jate_therapy.